How to do summer – Italian style

Want to blend-in this summer in Italy? Scared of looking like a bright, white beacon of English/Irishness in a sea of bronzed & beautiful Italians? Today, I share with you all I have learnt about ‘doing’ summer in Italy, since my initiation about 7 years ago. Hold onto your sunhats…

Avoid enjoying recreational public places, such as the playground, park or piazza, during the day. I know, I know…this seems counter-intuitive, but go to your average Italian park at midday and where are all the locals? Sheltering from the sun and preparing lunch of course! In Italy, afternoon – pomeriggio – starts about 5pm, after lunch and a good riposo (siesta). And quite right too. It’s far too hot to be outside, er, enjoying the beautiful sunshine.

Which leads me to another counter-intuitive point: When it’s hot, ensure to close shutters, curtains, and generally surround yourself in beautiful darkness. That’s the Italian way. None of this let’s fling open all the windows, it’s glorious out there! nonsense. Why? It’s hotter outside than in. Or it should be, anyway. Therefore do not leave your casa vacanza open to the elements or you’ll return home to a sauna.

Do not sunbathe anywhere other than on a beach. Get the pearly whites (legs not teeth) out at the park and you run the risk of small children mocking you from atop the climbing frame – do you think you’re at the seaside, Signora? ha, ha, ha. I love small children. And resist the lure of the balcony-bake. Balconies are to be used strictly for mop & bucket and barbecue; and possibly a yappy dog. I have never seen an Italian spreadeagled and soaking up the sun in their own ‘backyard’ as it were (though I am trying to start a new trend).

Put away those bottles of sun cream. Replace it with a bottle of oil, preferably some of the dark, rich brown stuff (roughly the colour you’re aiming for, in your dreams). Flash that about a bit, indulging in regular slatherings, and you’ll fit right in.

Donkeys, deckchairs & 99s it ain’t…

Be mosquito-ready….beware the body creams! Some years ago, I attended my sister-in-law’s wedding in a rather lovely red/white polka dot dress. With white/red polka dot legs to match. Do NOT, as I did prior to the al fresco cena the previous evening, apply after-sun or body cream liberally to one’s person. The mosquitoes will EAT YOU ALIVE! They can’t get enough of that cocoa butter, yum, yum, yum. Which leads me nicely onto…

Autan is your best friend! Repeat – “Autan is my best friend, autan is my best friend….” The same technique suggested for the oil – a good ol’ slathering, should be adopted after 5pm with Autan, or similar anti-mosquito spray. You won’t feel like it, but wearing long trousers and socks is also a good idea to keep the beasts away. They just love to ankle-bite!

Ladies – do not, I repeat, NOT – arrive prepared for la bella stagione with a FAKE tan. Big mistake. Again, a little reverse psychology in action here, and I know how badly you want to lose the blue-white hue you have been sporting since, well, since the last time you were on holiday, but you must resist. A fake tan is like a streaky orangey placard around one’s neck that says ‘Behold the foreigner who feels unworthy!’ And one thing an Italian never feels, is unworthy. They strut, they stare, they assume a stance in a pair of speedos that would bring an Englishman out in a rash…and they do this to the same extent in business negotiations as on the beach. Be proud!

Spend the cost of your holiday (again) on sunbed and parasol hire. Yes folks, here’s the bad news, you can’t just rock up at an Italian beach, find your favourite spot, plonk down the windbreak and thermos, remove socks and sandals and lie back… Italian beaches are big business. Non-paying beaches do exist,  they tend to be the less-nice ones however.  On the fashionable beaches there is often a narrow strip, close to the litter bins, donated generously to the paupers who bring their own parasol and coolbox, because they haven’t got 5 euro to spend on a coke at the bar. Otherwise, you can part with about 30 euro a day for two lettini & ombrello, and that’s probably before the charge for the car-park.

Practise your passeggiata! No this is not some new fancy ballroom step, but rather, the stepping-out enjoyed by all Italians, la sera, in the evening. This is where you get to demonstrate your own version of ‘the strut’ while eating gelato/pizza al taglio (by the slice), and wearing your best bling. Flip flops should be left at the beach. And don’t even think about having the kids in bed at a ‘reasonable’ hour. This is aperitivo-time; with fun & games in the piazza, beach volley, discos at the holiday park,  and at some point much, much, much later on (if you’ve room after aperitivo, pizza and ice-cream..) la cena.

Buon viaggio a tutti!